  Sumas Member Username: Sumas Post Number: 399 Registered: 01-2008 |
I am probably posting on the wrong forum. As a Detroiter however I really enjoy the pithy (and pissy)commentary on this site. So please indulge me this once. Our son informed us he is going to become engaged to his live in partner. No problem there. They want to start a family right away, again no problem. We raised our kids to think for themselves and make their own decisions. My dilemma isn't hugh but would like commentary from the people on this forum. My son wants to wait until January to propose when his future fiance's dad comes into town. He wants to formally ask her dad for her hand in marriage. I think that sounds barfy harkening back to the days when women were chattel. My husband thinks its "cute". I am a seveties girl who kept my own name when we wed. In addition, the dad who was in town briefly for the thanksgiving weekend wants to meet us on his trip when he comes back in January. One comment and one question. Comment: This is certainly not earth shaking and as mentioned our sons think for themselves. I make this request to forumers so I don't make a mistake in expressing a personal aversion to a "time honored" tradition to our son. This is a, get it off my chest, execise to avert a potential faux pas from me. My question is, am I over reacting to dad wanting to meet us on his next visit? It all sounds so formal and a little staid. Thanks for this little detour on Detroit issues. Maybe we could call it Detroit meets Grosse Pointe to make it more relevant. | ||
Jcole Member Username: Jcole Post Number: 4901 Registered: 04-2005 |
You'll probably be glad you met him before the wedding takes place. I didn't meet anyone in my son-in-laws family, other than his daughter, until the rehearsal dinner. They're great people, but we had no clue how to act around them. | ||
Digitalvision Member Username: Digitalvision Post Number: 1474 Registered: 11-2003 |
Some traditions are there for a reason... it's probably good to meet the other family, and I think that kind of respect to do the ask is important to some. It might also be because your son's girlfriend soon-to-be-fiance asked for him to do the formal ask, knowing her families' traditions. After all, it's he's the one getting married - he should do it how he wants because (hopefully) he's only doing it once ;-) | ||
Mwilbert Member Username: Mwilbert Post Number: 464 Registered: 11-2007 |
I agree with DV, he should do it how he wants--provided his partner is OK with it. Some people might not want to be asked for. | ||
Danindc Member Username: Danindc Post Number: 5283 Registered: 10-2003 |
I'm some circles, namely the South, it's actually considered impolite NOT to ask. IMHO, your son doesn't have anything to lose by asking his future father-in-law first. It's considered a sign of respect toward the family. It's not as if he plans to treat his fiancee as a piece of meat. | ||
Ocean2026 Member Username: Ocean2026 Post Number: 41 Registered: 11-2008 |
All this talk, complication, and formality who benefits aside from attorneys. My rabbit met the neighbor's rabbit and within 30 seconds they were on their honeymoon so to speak. He then went to the Brenham Rabbit show where he had 7 short-term but very fulfilling relationships. Remember actions speak louder than words and who needs alimony or rabbit support? | ||
Kathinozarks Member Username: Kathinozarks Post Number: 1728 Registered: 11-2006 |
I think it's a fine idea to ask the father for her hand in marriage. Sounds to me like you've raised a fine young man. As far as I'm concerned it is sweet. If the dad wants to meet you you don't really have an option. You've met strangers before and found that you really liked them after getting to know them, so it will most likely be just like that. Is the girl's family from a different socio-economic background than yours? If they are wealthy it can be real intimidating at first. Personally, I like having wealthy friends! They have great homes, toys, etc. that I can enjoy and I don't have the responsibility. Woo Hoo! | ||
Alan55 Member Username: Alan55 Post Number: 2445 Registered: 09-2005 |
You keep ticking off things that are happening in YOUR SON'S LIFE and then saying "no problem". Actually, none of them are a problem, because you have no say in them (unless he asks for your opinion). IT's not your wedding / life - it your son's. You may as well get in the practice NOW of accepting what happens and not interfering. Otherwise, you will be the evil, controlling mother-in-law. | ||
Eriedearie Member Username: Eriedearie Post Number: 4140 Registered: 08-2007 |
Yeah, you're over reacting about the meet up. This man is going to be the other grandpa to your grandchildren. He's going to be a part of your son's life from now on. As the mother of three grown boys - boys usually gravitate towards their wife's family. Get to know this man. Your son and your grandchildren will be spending a lot of time with him. | ||
Detroitteacher Member Username: Detroitteacher Post Number: 1411 Registered: 06-2006 |
I don't think it's strange for a daughter's father to want to meet the family of the man she chooses to marry before they wed. When my aunt married, my grandfather insisted on it. He wanted to know that his "girl" was going to be loved by this "boy's" family. He also wanted to get acquainted prior to being thrown into a very tense situation (the wedding/planning). It's much easier to get to know folks informally (as in a family get together) than it is to get to know someone at a very hectic time such as at a wedding. As far as your son wanting to ask her father for his love's hand in marriage, I think it's a matter of respect. He obviously has spoken to her about this (marriage) and has her OK. Just be thankful that you raised such a respectful young man and enjoy the fact that your future in-laws want to get to know you now and not be so distant later. After all, you will be sharing grandchildren and will have to get used to the idea of knowing these people long term. | ||
Hamtragedy Member Username: Hamtragedy Post Number: 356 Registered: 10-2007 |
What if the dad takes a look at him and says "well, I'll have to think about that one for a while?" Then what? That part seems archaic and caste. If it's not an absolute and definitive and quick "Yes" then he's got that shit hanging over his head. On the other hand, if he says "what the hell are you asking me for, you gotta go thru her anyways," then hand him a beer and slap him on the shoulder. | ||
Sstashmoo Member Username: Sstashmoo Post Number: 2971 Registered: 02-2007 |
I guess it's just me... No offense to anyone's son or daughter. But this situation is a bit ridiculous. They are living together out of wedlock and they are concerned that the young man ask for the daughters hand in marriage? They sort of bypassed that when they moved in together. Trying to inject some nobility into a compromised arrangement. I have better advice, they should just continue to cohabitate, marriage usually ruins those relationships. To be even more honest it sounds like the fiance' and/or her family want to see your son jump through a few hoops for the hell of it. If they want to do this right with all parties they should move away from one another for a period, then go through the procedures, otherwise it just comes across as ridiculous. Just my twisted views, again no offense. | ||
Reddog289 Member Username: Reddog289 Post Number: 742 Registered: 08-2007 |
I agree with Sstashmoo, Yet if my livein girlfriend/"wife"s parents bought me a pony I,d might make the drive to Toledo. Outta my close friends only two have good marriages, the rest have been through divorces or need to go that route. My parents met her parents after we lived together for a year and a half. They get along great. | ||
Gnome Member Username: Gnome Post Number: 2188 Registered: 08-2007 |
I have to agree with DigitalVision, tradtions exist for a reason. What if the familes don't get along? What if you know these people from another life. What if you saw them star in the tv show, COPS. What if Mr. TravelingDad is a Dick Cheney? A Sid Vicious? A Kilpatrick? Who "gets" the new couple on Holidays? Might not sound PC, but it is the way of life. Will the new couple be forced to travel between houses? As a childless couple it's not a big deal, but when grandchildren come along both grandmas start in with wanting to convey their family traditions. Grandpas too. But even PC driven, hemp-cloth wearing, bio-diesel burning Grandmas have holiday traditions they refuse to give up. I don't want to project my personal experience, as I'm sure it doesn't apply, but maybe you should look at meeting TravelingDad this way: the reason you love your girlfriend-in-law is due in part to TravelingDad. He had a hand in raising her, and as a result your love for her comes from him. | ||
Gary Member Username: Gary Post Number: 371 Registered: 02-2004 |
My son-in-law never came to me to ask to marry my daughter, but I didn't feel slighted because they are both in their late 20s, both are college grads, both were living independently at the time of their engagement, and both were already into their careers. I may have felt differently had they been younger and/or less settled. Also, I had already gotten to know this young man and his family, and I had no concerns about how our two families fit in together. We did, however, have a private little father-to-son in law chat at the reception. | ||
Carolcb Member Username: Carolcb Post Number: 4828 Registered: 11-2006 |
I don't disagree with what you are asking...for instance, I think that "Pretty Woman" is sickening. Most people just think it is a movie. However, as the mother of three sons, I will say, Good Luck. In my case, I found out I was just along for the ride, and a lot of the times felt like I wasn't even supposed to be in the car. Go with the flow and hold on. When my oldest got married...had a son....he is in grad school....she is still trying to get accepted into grad school at a school to her liking.....Her parents live in a 1,500,000.00 home....We live in a 150,000 home...different religions (my son converted)....And my son and his wife have said they will basically be denied nothing. Which has come to mean that there is nothing we can give them that they would want. Unless we are going to send them to Paris or China or buy them a new Escalade or something like that. Congrats and good luck and buy a bottle of wine. | ||
Goat Member Username: Goat Post Number: 10567 Registered: 10-2003 |
Great idea. I think your son has respect for his partner's father. Nothing wrong with those values. | ||
Zulu_warrior Member Username: Zulu_warrior Post Number: 3572 Registered: 10-2003 |
I think it is good thing, especially given that as "seventies girl" you have raised your son to be a gentleman in all respects. I also think that it is a part of his own maturation into manhood, having the ability to go and have conversations with his father in law will be vital in the years ahead. I also think that the father/daughter relationship can have its own specialness to it, and the husband of that daughter must understand that on so many levels. A marriage unites two families into one, regardless of the method. Getting to know each other is a part of the challenge as you will have to share with a whole new set of people. So meeting is apart of the new fun that you are about to embark on... All in all, I do think it would be bad to bring your reservations about the process to your son. He is taking steps to establish a household and a family...let him tap into that independence you gave him....and do it his way... | ||
Izzyindetroit Member Username: Izzyindetroit Post Number: 150 Registered: 07-2008 |
Sounds like it is time to go to your local movie store and rent "Meet the Fockers" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt02 90002/plotsummary | ||
Otter Member Username: Otter Post Number: 430 Registered: 12-2007 |
Carolcb, Why do you think you can give your son and his wife nothing that they could want? Your love and support is free, priceless and irreplaceable. | ||
Carolcb Member Username: Carolcb Post Number: 4836 Registered: 11-2006 |
Hey Otter, thanks for the comment. Trust me....he doesn't. He is totally unaccepting of the fact that he didn't come from the top 1%, and thinks that we are losers. My family were truckdrivers, railroaders.....the most I ever received other than a college education was $500 - I am not complaining, I am making an example. Money flows from the other side, and there doesn't seem to be any no in their vernacular. Things like he wanted $1,000 from us to apply to different grad school programs. We gave him $300.00....it is truely like, "Sorry, but I was not brought up to think that I could be a captain of industry. My parents were thankful to have a job, a house that they owned, and a lot of food on the table". He has, honestly - for about 3 years - decided that we are just losers. Like he doesn't understand why he is Bloomberg's kid or Ted Turner's kid....... I will say this - I was born in 1956. My parents were born in 1911 and 1916. He was born in 1981....and he is not going to "settle". Makes me yawn thinking about all those 140 mile trips to play hockey or driving him to Super Saturday or wearing the same sweaters for 10 years. It is like "uh, hello". He is going to law school.....I am hoping at some point he wakes up. He honestly looks down his nose at our house. Tell me I'm not being paid back for something!! | ||
Jcole Member Username: Jcole Post Number: 4924 Registered: 04-2005 |
Carolcb, he's 27 and still in that 'kid' era of his life. My older daughter was like that through college and into her early career with her dad and I. She went to UDM using scholarships and loans and became an engineer. Her dad was a teacher and I have a degree in MIS, but we were just generally embarassing for some reason. She hated going out to dinner with us if her friends could see us, but she was happy to come home and get food supplies and laundry done. She also had her first fights with her very close sister during that time. It was like she was trying to find herself and an identity that didn't have to do with us. She's 32 now, and has 2 kids, and it has changed for the better. She's real happy to go out to dinner now, because we help with the boys, and babysit, and take dinner down, and generally just love them all. It will get better once he is settled into his life. | ||
Carolcb Member Username: Carolcb Post Number: 4839 Registered: 11-2006 |
God I hope so because you do so much for your kids it really ticks me off to be thrown over for what seems to be money. Thanks. | ||
Jcole Member Username: Jcole Post Number: 4925 Registered: 04-2005 |
You're welcome. I know it hurts, a lot, but it improves. It really sucks to think how much we must have embarassed her when we thought we were pretty cool. Especially me, because I was only 19 when I had her, and didn't feel that old compared to her. Her younger sister really felt it because they are one year apart and were inseparable until she went away to college. She was then just 'a kid' who was okay if the older one didn't have something cooler to do or cooler to hang with. But believe me, they become human again. Not the same as they were, but I wouldn't want a 32 year old adolescent. | ||
Django Member Username: Django Post Number: 2212 Registered: 10-2003 |
Asking a fathers hand in marriage as I see it is setting a a precedent for the son/father in law relationship. I would do all I could to earn my Future fathers respect, cause theres always the Mother in law. | ||
Gibran Member Username: Gibran Post Number: 4299 Registered: 02-2007 |
Zulu what a great answer: can't add to it but I will;  You raised a great kid and there is nothing wrong..we who were of the 70's find it funny when our kids revert to the manners of the generation of our parents..but isn't that what choice and freedom is all about? live and let live, or different strokes for different folks... I find that independence isn't void of manners and respect... Even if it is obvious the relationship is open, it can go along way to ask, as our colleagues so nicely pointed out: it builds new relationships... this is nothing to do with the pre liberation values system, it has everything to do with love. | ||
Django Member Username: Django Post Number: 2214 Registered: 10-2003 |
I agree. I should have just said Ditto Zulus post. (Message edited by django on December 03, 2008) | ||
Mschievous Member Username: Mschievous Post Number: 312 Registered: 04-2008 |
Sumas, Would you feel the same way if this was your daughter instead of your son? Think about how you want your child to be treated, no matter if they are male or female. I see what your son is doing as a modicum of respect for his soon-to-be in-laws. He seems to have thought this out. I think Zulu said it best. Be proud, you have raised a strong, independent, respectful man who seems to understand that, when uniting two families, understanding is the key. And take it from me, being the mother of the groom is much more fun (and almost relaxing) compared to being mother of the bride. | ||
Lodgedodger Member Username: Lodgedodger Post Number: 1038 Registered: 05-2008 |
Asking his father-in-law for her daughter's hand in marriage shows him to be a respectful young man. This little gesture also speaks to how much regard he has for his future wife. I think it's lovely. My sisters' husbands-to-be asked my father before proposing. | ||
Sean_of_detroit Member Username: Sean_of_detroit Post Number: 2337 Registered: 03-2008 |
Be glad there is a father around to ask. Not everyone is so lucky. | ||
Reddog289 Member Username: Reddog289 Post Number: 745 Registered: 08-2007 |
What I am about to write may be confusing but that happens with my writing. My livin girlfriends daughter who is like my own to me is getting married next month.Her fiance"son in law?" asked for permission I belive after the fact.That was last May, and in June "real Dad" passes away.Which leaves me as father of the bride. I am supposed to give her away, YET after living under the same roof with them and knowing the deal. If the "groom " were to ask my permission to marry "my" daughter I say wait awhile or just plain NO.Not that I hate him or the fact we are extreme opposites just that he,s a slacker and the girl is an airhead plain and simple no PC here.Maybe I,ll have better luck with the next one, I can,t wait till 1/17/09, At least then I won,t have to hear"Are you excited about the wedding?"But It don,t matter what I think, I ain,t paying for nothing except the pizza. Sorry for the Bitchin. | ||
Sumas Member Username: Sumas Post Number: 401 Registered: 01-2008 |
I appreciate everyones comments. What is a little funny is that they were friends since high school. This is kind of like the When Harry Met Sally movie.Her parents have been divorced for many years and actually I know her mother very well. I know way more about the new family then most in laws do. I am very pleased that he has found a life partner but as all mothers I have some reservations. A wise mother once told me, who ever they bring home, love them all. I have done that and have been rewarded with our eldest son confidences. Our son has a great job that he is very good at. I think my big fear is that the dad who is rich will offer him a position in his firm which is now out of state. As stated, I support my kids in their decisions. But I will sure miss him if he is 2500 miles away. |
